“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves …”

—Federico García Lorca

8/31/2011

Last night I had a dream I was falling apart.  Limb by limb, piece by piece.  I couldn’t keep myself together.  You came over and wrapped yourself around me, so that every part of you was touching every part of me and you held me together; you kept me from falling apart.  You kept me from falling  a p a r t.  You just wouldn’t let me.  Y o u  keep  m e together.

6/5/2011

Two years ago when I moved I left behind a completely other me.  Coming off of two whirlwind years, I felt really empty. My time traveling with a group of people I really cared about was over, I was leaving behind two of the closest people to me I’ve ever known, I was completely destroyed and heartbroken over someone who meant more to me than anyone in my life ever had, and old issues with my family (specifically my father) that were long put away were finally starting to resurface. I was afraid to stand still and deal with what was going on with the people in my life, but more importantly, what was going on inside my own head, so I decided to run away from it.  I moved to Bloomington looking for a clean slate and hoped for a fresh state of mind, but instead my plan backfired and I became quiet and retreated inside myself. 

I can’t open up to people anymore.  Instead of dealing with things and moving on like I should have, I’ve let them sort of decay inside me. While time has softened the issues, they’re still there… right under the surface.  I feel like I’ve not felt any real emotion in two years/ I’ve somehow put a roadblock inside me, like if I let myself feel one thing, I’ll have to feel and deal with everything I’ve managed to bury.   I’m not depressed, and I’m not happy…  I’m just sort of here. Never really feeling present in any moment of my life.

For someone who used to be capable of feeling so much, it’s no way to live.  I just don’t know how to get back to where I was.  Writing this alone has taken me well over two hours.

"And all I couldn’t sing, I would say it all, my life, to you 
If I could get you at all
Don’t be a wreck, trying to be something that I wasn’t at all

Seems I got it wrong, I was chasing after something that was gone
To the black of night, now I know it’s not what I wanted at all
And you said something like, “All you want is all the world for yourself”
But all I want is the perfect love
Though I know it’s small, I want love for us all

And all I couldn’t sing, I would say it all, my life, to you 
If I could get you at all
Trying to be something that I wasn’t at all”

-S.S.

beenlookingforthemagic:

Mad Girl’s Love Songby Sylvia PlathI shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my lids and all is born again. (I think I made you up inside my head.) The stars go waltzing out in blue and red, And arbitrary blackness gallops in: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. (I think I made you up inside my head.) God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade: Exit seraphim and Satan’s men: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I fancied you’d return the way you said, But I grow old and I forget your name. (I think I made you up inside my head.) I should have loved a thunderbird instead; At least when spring comes they roar back again. I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
(via anneyhall) 
 

beenlookingforthemagic:

Mad Girl’s Love Song
by Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

(via anneyhall) 

 

Bonnie "Prince" Billy – Cursed Sleep (0 plays)

Bonnie “Prince” Billy - Cursed Sleep

"I slept sweetly unpretending
that the night was always ending
she breathes lightly right next to me
and I dreamed of her inside of me

and in my dream she sang so sweetly
a melody I hope to sing
so enslaved by her sweet wonder
it cut my legs and fingered hunger

she sang my name and so engulfed
and I cried and felt my legs fail
in her arms I trembled electric
and she let me and she held me

then waking she was older still
and holds my love against its will
in spell cast with her palms extended
cursed love is never ended

cursed eyes are never closing
cursed arms are never closing
cursed children never rising
cursed me never despising 

oh I am loving always holding
epic song it tells of how
of she and I are living now”

(Source: afirethorn, via whokilled-deactivated20111207)

2/25/2011

In voice furred with frost,
Ghost said to priest:
‘Neither of those countries do I frequent:
Earth is my haunt.’

‘Come, come,’ Father Shawn gave an impatient shrug,
‘I don’t ask you to spin some rridiculous fable
Of gilded harps or gnawing fire: simply tell
After your life’s end, what just epilogue
God ordained to follow up your days. Is it such trouble
To satisfy the questions of a curious old fool?’

‘In life, love gnawed my skin
To this white bone;
What love did then, love does now:
Gnaws me through.’

‘What love,’ asked Father Shawn, ‘but too great love
Of flawed earth-flesh could cause this sorry pass?
Some damned condition you are in:
Thinking never to have left the world, you grieve
As though alive, shriveling in torment thus
To atone as shade for sin that lured blind man.”

—Dialogue Between Ghost and Priest by Sylvia Plath

*Rambling, poorly written entry to follow.  Just written to get a few thoughts out of my head and onto digital paper…. as are all of the posts on this blog.*

 My whole life, I’ve never really been good at acquiring close friends.  As I’ve said before, I’m great at making acquaintances, but when the time comes to really open up to someone, to really turn a friendship into something more, I fall short.  I never seem to be able to.  I think it’s mostly because I had a childhood where I was very much left to myself.  

The daughter of a single, working mom, I was often left and trusted to take care of myself.  I think I had more alone time than any other child I knew.  I was allowed to stay home alone at a ridiculously early age.  It got to the point that if my mother went out of town on business, I did better at home alone than packing up and staying with another family for a few days.  It never phased me. I was never scared, and managed to take care of myself just fine.  My mother used to say that I was more of an adult at age 12 than she was at 25.

I think because of this, because I was just trusted to always take care of myself, I’ve been really stunted when it comes to forming close relationships with other people. I always had friends, but they were mostly just the kind that you had around to keep from being bored.  In elementary school, they were the kids to hangout with at recess… in jr. high, it was a group of girls to talk about boys with… and in high school it was whoever you found that maybe liked the same music as you and wanted to occasionally drive an hour or two to go check out a concert.  It never really bothered me that I didn’t have anyone I was really close with.  Friendships just seemed sort of fickle to me, and I was painfully shy (still am). If there was something that bothered me, I’d talk to my Nana about it or just wait until I figured it out myself and it was no longer a problem. When I left for college, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen… I didn’t really have any expectations.

 Kaiti and I met the first day of  orientation, and for whatever reason, we just sort of clung to each other.  I don’t even remember an awkward new friend phase with her, our friendship just was. We were on the same side. I’d never felt like my life was me vs. anybody (except maybe my high school algebra teacher), but rather just me on my own.  I think Kaiti was the same way. I think that’s why we worked.  We were content to be alone, but really enjoyed being with one another, so we were.. all of the time. Within the span of a few weeks, I think Kaiti knew more about me than anyone I’d ever known (besides my mother and grandmother).  Kaiti and I would walk around campus for hours, just talking about whatever crossed our minds. Never afraid that the other might be secretly judging.  I think that’s the most liberating feeling.  To be able to talk with another human so openly and have absolutely no fear. 

Darla came a year later, the best friend of Kaiti from high school who had taken a year off before starting college.  I was worried everything was going to change, that Kaiti, the closest friend I’d ever had, would reattach herself to her old friend who was now going to college just a few miles away.  It was exactly the opposite.  I don’t remember meeting Darla.  I know that I’d heard a lot about her, but I can’t for the life of me remember the day we met.  It just seems like our friendship also just always was.  

My intentions aren’t to turn this into a sappy, girly, best friends forever, story, but I know I can safely say I’ve never been closer to any two people my entire life.  They’re the only humans on this planet that have seen me cry over more than a sad movie other than my mother.  With most people I can just sort of turn my emotions off and turn very much inward, but with the two of them I actually feel like I can be 100% myself. 

Anyway, all rambling aside, I’ve been missing the two of them more than I could ever express in words for the past few months.  

Darla is in Austin now, and Kaiti only an hour away (yet I still haven’t seen her since October)  

 …. I just really miss having them around.  I’ve never been much for talking on the phone, but maybe this rant will serve its purpose. 

I don’t ever want to replace them, but I do wish I had someone around to fill up their absence.  

"Between the certainty I have of my existence and the content I try to give to that assurance, the gap will never be filled. Forever I shall remain a stranger to myself."

Albert Camus - The Myth of Sisyphus (via zealotry)

(via zealotry)

1/23/2011

Should actually start posting the things I write over here instead of saving them as drafts.

(via zealotry)

Atlas Sound – Shelia (0 plays)

Atlas Sound - Shelia 


Shelia,
You’ll be my wife and share my life,
You’ll be my wife, you’ll share my life.


We will grow old.

And when we die we’ll bury ourselves,
And when we die we’ll bury ourselves.
'cause no one wants to die alone
'cause no one wants to die alone
'cause no one wants to die alone
'cause no one wants to die alone
'cause no one wants to die alone

Shelia,
We’ll die alone together,
Die alone together,
Die alone together,
Die alone together.





Stacia Spragg

Stacia Spragg

The Black Angels – Entrance Song (110 plays)

The Black Angels - Entrance Song

Of any album that came out in 2010, I wish this one had come out in 2009… or at the very least, I wish I had known enough to know about this band back in the early part of that year.  I can’t listen to this album without immediately being brought back to the two weeks I spent driving and backpacking across the southwest. 

 This song in particular reminds me of the night my friends and I spent - after backpacking for a week in Zion, sleeping in 20 degree temperatures, hair matted with red dust and sweat, wind burnt faces, with cracked and bleeding lips - driving  into Vegas for a hot meal.  The only other girl on the trip and I washed our hair in a truck stop sink (mind you, not the glorified kind with showers and fast food, the kind where you have to ask for a key to use the facilities and you’d call yourself lucky if you found anything to eat that wasn’t expired by at least a couple of months) somewhere along the way, while the guys filled the cars with gas and washed the windows.

I’ll never forget that night, being in the middle of nowhere for days, not seeing any other people except those I was camping with, no modern amenities… just relying on whatever we could carry on our backs… then driving in the pitch black night for hours, feeling the temperatures outside the window climb as we crawled down from the mountains, and finally seeing the glow of Las Vegas in the distance… the most electric city on the planet.  I think it would have been a culture shock regardless, but after the week we had just had, we all felt like aliens.  Overwhelmed, we went to an i-hop somewhere near, if not on, the main strip… the only place not spilling over with people.  We sat there for what seemed like hours just drinking coffee…  we had ordered food, but most of it went untouched. After living on almost only trail mix for 6 days, everything looked delicious but tasted repulsive… I don’t think I ate pancakes for a year. 

We watched all manor of people walk by…. drunks, hookers, people who could have very easily been royalty in some foreign country… but they were all going from casino to casino, and we were sitting in an i-hop with a large picture glass window in between us. I think that’s the only way I could have ever experienced Vegas.  From the outside looking in. 

After we paid our bill, we drove back out into the desert and slept in our tents.  Happy to be away from it all.  Honestly, I don’t think there’s any place any of us would have rather been. 

Vegas.  I’d be O.K. if that’s all I ever saw of you.

Anyway, if a song can sound like a memory, this one sounds almost exactly like the one I have of that night.